English Majors Have the Best Conversations

I'll prattle on for a bit, though what I really want to do right now is have a sit with my old friend Travis McGee, courtesy of the magnificent John D. MacDonald. I've been too long from the stories of the great gallumphing knight-errant. It is a grave disservice on my part, and for that I'm ashamed.

What I'm about to relate is a conversation I had with John, a co-worker of mine.

Me: See, if I was going to start a B-vitamin regimen, it would be those tablets that have about 8000% the daily dose.

John: Wouldn't that much fry your brain?

Me: No, B-vitamins aren't toxic. You can take as many as you want.

John: So what are they, just a bunch of bees?

Me: They're actually distilled from all the Bs people use. They just float out there until someone grabs them and condenses them down into vitamins. That's how they make vitamins. From all the letters people use.

John: So they're used?

Me: They're recycled, so it's okay. It's good, actually. Keeps the air clear. That's actually what causes global warming. It's not carbon emissions, it's from all the letters that don't get distilled into vitamins and just float out there. Because we don't have any vitamins after K. Think about it. That's also why vitamin E is in everything. E is the most used letter in the English language.

John: And carbon's not the problem, 'cause carbon starts with a K.

Me: Well, a C. But C's good, it gets used. So yeah, carbon's not the problem. Just all those letters. And talking about global warming doesn't help. I mean, all those letters, like G, L, W, and N, they don't get used. No vitamins for them. So they just float out there. They make it worse.

I'll stop there and spare you. But yeah. I made all that up, on the spot. I was proud of myself. And no, there were no chemical influences. That's just a typical conversation with John. It's like you start off peeling an orange, then you realize you're actually filleting a fish.

And then things just get weird.